Ever since I was little, everyone used to label me as their little ray of sunshine. Cheesy as it may be, they had good reason to say as such because I was possibly the one of the most calm, happy and stable persons in my family (taking well after my grandmother). I never really got angry, didn't even get too sad and upset. If I cried, it was because I was in physical pain, not because I wanted a new toy or anything of the like. In fact, when I could, I would give what I had to my brother so that he would stop crying. Things haven't changed much in that respect till date (minus the crying), but it all worked out fine back then when we were complete emotional opposites and we fed off each other...
And then we turned 15 and it all went downhill from there throwing me off balance and in turn our relationship with each other. First came a whole series of events that needn't be mentioned that eventually pushed me in the pits of depression. My moods started changing; I became angrier and more upset over everything, but having been conditioned a certain way it did not how I felt inside, because I had to show the world that I was perfectly all right. I could not talk to anyone about how I felt and that broke me in even more pieces ...and so I started rapid cycling. I felt "normal" one minute, anxious another, depressed another, and so on. All at the same time keeping it inside me and pulling a smile in front of everyone and sucking it all in, making others happy, but at least getting satisfaction from the fact that I was accomplishing something and doing what was expected of me. From being the dominating central ground for my family, I submitted even to myself. Craig noticed.
Most of it, I'm glad to say, is over. Though I still hurt when thoughts about being abandoned by those that I spent my youth trying to please come to mind... but what good does that do? I constantly ask myself that. What is the point in being unhappy? If unhappiness is all there is, then nothing is worth living for. And in that rite, I think going through all that in the past has made me stronger. I may still get moody, but they pass more quickly now; I try simply to be thankful for what I do have and so, am able to reach at least a state of contentment and ground myself enough to find an inner balance.
Question of the Day: Is it okay to just be content? Or is that not sufficient?
In other news: Kylie Minogue is coming to town. I saw the ticket prices to her concert tickets that are much more expensive than what Bjork and Madonna's concerts cost. I can buy a small island for that money!
And then we turned 15 and it all went downhill from there throwing me off balance and in turn our relationship with each other. First came a whole series of events that needn't be mentioned that eventually pushed me in the pits of depression. My moods started changing; I became angrier and more upset over everything, but having been conditioned a certain way it did not how I felt inside, because I had to show the world that I was perfectly all right. I could not talk to anyone about how I felt and that broke me in even more pieces ...and so I started rapid cycling. I felt "normal" one minute, anxious another, depressed another, and so on. All at the same time keeping it inside me and pulling a smile in front of everyone and sucking it all in, making others happy, but at least getting satisfaction from the fact that I was accomplishing something and doing what was expected of me. From being the dominating central ground for my family, I submitted even to myself. Craig noticed.
Most of it, I'm glad to say, is over. Though I still hurt when thoughts about being abandoned by those that I spent my youth trying to please come to mind... but what good does that do? I constantly ask myself that. What is the point in being unhappy? If unhappiness is all there is, then nothing is worth living for. And in that rite, I think going through all that in the past has made me stronger. I may still get moody, but they pass more quickly now; I try simply to be thankful for what I do have and so, am able to reach at least a state of contentment and ground myself enough to find an inner balance.Question of the Day: Is it okay to just be content? Or is that not sufficient?
In other news: Kylie Minogue is coming to town. I saw the ticket prices to her concert tickets that are much more expensive than what Bjork and Madonna's concerts cost. I can buy a small island for that money!
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Keep your chin up! You are still our little ray of sunshine! (Have I embarassed you, yet?)...Seriously though, just remember that it's okay for the sun to set sometimes and take a rest too. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd "in other news:" I can't wait to get to HK!!! *Kenny
Sometimes it's sufficient to be content - definitely when you have all your basic material needs. I'd hope that it would be all the time, but not always. There are things it would be worrying to be content about such as injustice.
ReplyDeleteSigh...maybe you will see Bjork. She doesn't like Sheffield.
'being content be always happy' as the chinese believe, it'll be sufficient with happiness.
ReplyDeletebe happiness with you always.